A hilarious blog written by Red HotHead. Thank you, we love it! :)
THE WINGMAN
“It only feels right if you do it with a wingman.”
This little phrase has been stuck in my head for days, absolutely annoying! It’s from a commercial. A commercial about condoms. Wingman condoms. Yes. So. And I sing it, out loud.
Condoms. I have entire stocks of them. I almost need an extra cabinet to store them all. I could probably supply third-world countries and still have enough left to keep using them myself for another year. Since I’ve been single, my friends have been tossing them at me whenever they get the chance. One friend gave me a pack of featherlite condoms because “we don’t need them anymore.” Another friend found it necessary to throw a condom over the table during a high tea, which ended up falling on the floor at our neighbors’ table. Great. “Got it at the bar, but I’m not using it.” My friends don’t use condoms. Not because they’re looking for legendary triple STDs, but because they’re in long-term relationships. And I... am not. Anyway, back to the commercial.
The commercial intrigues me. It says you can’t smell, feel, or even touch the Wingman when putting it on! That last part really caught my attention. How? Do you get magical powers with a pack of Wingman condoms? Like Matilda, being able to put it on with just your eyes? Fantastic! I’m here for it. I can already picture it. A condom flying over the bed towards Mr. Dick.
This can’t be true, right?! No way. Though I do think, if it were possible, people would enjoy using condoms a lot more. People would be upset if they didn’t have condoms at home. People would ask for packs of condoms for their birthdays, open them with joy, and cheer as it flies straight to the goal. It would be amazing! STDs would disappear, AIDS would be no more, and everyone would live happily ever after. Disney would even make a movie about it.
But I digress. No magical powers. So what is it then? How can you put on a condom without touching it? I had to know more. I had to get to the bottom of how this was possible. The answer was found quickly. Google is my best friend.
The Wingman is a condom with wings! Hahaha, I had to laugh at this. A condom with wings, who comes up with that?! My first thought: Ha! Justice! ‘We’ get winged sanitary pads, ‘he’ gets a winged condom. Hilarious!
Actually, I think it's a great invention, I have to admit, after I stopped laughing. It saves a lot of fumbling, I think. You pull the condom down using the wings. This way, it fits perfectly and is ready for action against unwanted pregnancies and sneaky STDs. Secretly, I am a bit bummed that no magical powers come with it, but I’ll just imagine them. Oh, by the way, the wings can be removed after putting the Wingman on. Very convenient. This prevents Mr. Dick from flying away and Mrs. Vagina from (worse than usual) damage...